Global Satire News Service (August 24, 2026)
As the trade war between the United States and Canada intensified today, Donald Trump declared he would accept lower tariffs on Canadian steel and lumber in exchange for “O Canada,” our northern neighbor's national anthem.
A late night tweet from the Oval Office complained that the President never liked lines about “the fruited plain” anyway, calling the lyrics to "America the Beautiful" (which he mistakenly identified as our own anthem) “too woke.”
“Amber? Purple? Not in Girl's Sports!!!” the President exclaimed. “We're going to have the best anthem money can buy.”
As part of the deal Trump demanded the French and bilingual lyrics to “O Canada” be dropped “in favor of pure American that everyone can understand.”
“O Canada” is generally considered more singable than Francis Scott Key's “Star Spangled Banner” and has been a fixture in Canadian life since it was introduced in 1880. Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney responded hotly to Trump's offer, asserting that like Tim Horton's, poutine and membership in the British Commonwealth, the beloved tune is an integral part of his country's national identity and not for sale.
On a more conciliatory note, Carney said he might consider trading away King Charles or even part of the strategic maple syrup reserve. Should negotiations stall, Carney threatened to emboss Trump's picture on Canada's one dollar coin, popularly known as “the loonie.”
